Wish from the Heart
by xblkdragonx
Summary: From the moment they met, Russia chased after him. Years later after their Split, China realized without his knowledge, his northern neighbor had stolen his heart long ago. Sadly, his realization came too late...
1. Wish from the Heart

A/n: Before reading the fic, I **strongly** suggest listening to the song that this fic is based on at least once. Youtube the video "Starwish by Cecilia Cheung (Fly Me to Polaris) Translation"

* * *

_**1931**  
With a happy little smile and twinkle in his eye, Russia licked the bit of rice clinging to his chopsticks. "Yao~Yao~" He held out his empty bowl. "More please~ "_

_China scowled. "More? You're lucky I even gave you any aru! How many times have I told you to stop breaking into my home and eating all my food? You're a nuisance! Go away aru! Shoo! Never come back here ever again! I mean it!"_

_Unperturbed by China's outburst, Russia laid an elbow on the table. Since there was no more food, he offhandedly poured himself a cup of tea. He sipped on the lukewarm drink and over the rim of his cup, gave China an appraising glance; slowly, a smile began tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Stingy."_

_"Stingy?" China choked on the word. His eyes bulged. "Stingy?" He grabbed the small wooden barrel and held it over his head with both hands. "You ate all my rice aru! How does that make me stingy? Tell me!"_

_Russia pointed a finger, gently poking the angry nation in the chest. "You're stingy because you haven't given me your answer yet."_

_Instantly China froze. The barrel slipped out of his hands and landed with a clatter to the floor. "W-what are you talking about aru?"_

_"You know, the question I asked you last week. The one about you and me being together." Russia tilted his head, his silver hair falling over his eyes._

_China had the sudden urge to run his fingers through strands of hair that seemed soft like freshly spun silk in the moonlight. He grimaced, holding firmly onto his itching hands to stem the unwelcomed desire. "I-I have no idea what you're referring to."_

_"Then let me ask you again." Russia leaned in, his hand pressed against the loud beating of lithe man's heart. "Do you want to..." -China held his breath in anticipation- "become one with Russia?" Russia asked in a rush, his words slurring into one. It was as if by some miracle if he asked his trademark question fast enough, the Chinese nation would somehow agree._

_China heard every word. He stood, knocking his chair to the ground from his haste. He was angry at Russia for leading him on and at himself for being led. He let the anger fill him. Anger was a much better emotion than fear and it was fear he felt. Fear of his own emotion, of the disappointment he felt when Russia didn't ask the expected question. "I don't have to give you an answer aru! You already know it! The whole world knows it! It's no aru! NO! Now go away and never come back! Don't let me see your pudgy face back here aru!_

_"You know I'll just keep coming back here until you say yes," Russia said with a touch of arrogance, his eyes dancing with amusement at China's reaction._

_China threw up his hands. He had enough of Russia for one night. He turned to leave, throwing some colorful expletives behind him._

_"Yao," Without meaning to, China's feet froze at the sound of Russia's voice. "I'd still like to hear the answer to my other question." China did not turn around-dared not to- and just stood there, compelled by the tiny desperation in Russia's voice to stay and listen. "Do you like me?"_

_China stiffened at the simple question. Here and now, how easy it would be to end their limbo of ambiguity. "Yes" and their relationship would turn into something they never could've imagine. "No" and perhaps Russia would finally leave him to pursue someone else, someone who will return his affections._

_Afraid to make a choice, China chose neither. Again his damning silence was the only answer he gave him._

_"I like you, Yao," Russia whispered against the shushing wind._

_China's heart clenched at the words. He opened his mouth to respond, a rejection or reassurance on the tip of his tongue, but his throat constricted and his voice refused to come. Seconds dragged into minutes. The silence lingered heavily upon their shoulders. When the moment to answer passed, his voice finally came back to him; he could finally breathe again. China sighed and said the first thing that came to this frustrated mind, "Don't call me Yao."_

** December 9, 1991**

"Yao, did you hear me?" His boss asked.

China could only stutter a nonsensical reply. The world was suddenly collapsing around him. His heart laid in shattered pieces at his feet, broken by the words that left his boss's lips. He reached to touch his heart, wondering if it was still beating. His pulse was still there, strong and resilient, but all he felt was a gaping hole where his heart should be. He rubbed the dull ache in his chest, the pain fading away as numbness settled over him.

"I said the Soviet Union just dissolved. We need to take action."

Some part of China's mind heard his boss mention about boosting their economy and building stronger relations with America. From a faraway place, he heard someone answer with his voice, but China paid no heed to the conversation. One string of thought played over and over in his mind, distracting him, filling him with icy calm.

The man he knew as Ivan Braginsky was dead.

Nothing.

He felt nothing at all.

The other nations thought him heartless. An ice princess they called him when they thought he couldn't hear. Long, long ago perhaps they would've be right. His immortality froze his ticking clock, but maybe in the process, froze his heart as well. He'd seen it all, seen too much. The death of a nation was insignificant. Like the land around them, nothing stayed the same. Things changed, people grew old, society morphed. What was there to morn? To cry? Death was just another step in life. To feel nothing, to _love _nothing, he was cold as ice they told him. What they didn't know and would never know was that his frozen heart paralyzed his emotions, but saved him from the pain of loss as well.

_** 1925**  
Hands colder than the northern winds pressed hard against his cheeks._

_"What are you doing aru!" Shocked awake, China quickly slapped the icy hands away._

_Russia's laughter sounded odd in the empty training field. "See? You dohave emotions. My cute little Yao is not some porcelain doll~ He has feelings too."_

_Scowling-he always seemed to scowl whenever the Russian was around- China briskly walked off in any direction. He didn't care as long as it was away from the Imperialist nation._

_With longer legs and a bounce to steps, it took Russia no effort at all to keep up with China's bigger strides. Side by side, they walked the field in silence: China determined to ignore Russia's existence and in turn, the Russian was content being in his presence._

_After a while of walking without words, Russia finally spoke. "Do you like me, China?"_

_Surprised by the question, China stopped mid-step. Slowly, he turned to the man beside him and scoffed, " I don't think that question deserves an answer aru."_

_Unoffended- taking it as a joke- Russia chuckled good naturedly at China's response. "You will one day." He reached a hand and tucked a loose hair behind the smaller nation's ear, taking almost no notice when China flinched at his touch._

**1991**  
When the discussion finished, China quietly excused himself. Listlessly, he walked down the empty hallway with no destination in mind. He went wherever his feet led him and soon he was standing in the garden.

In the dead of winter, nothing bloomed except for the occasional five petals of snowflakes. Up high in the trees, early buds of plum blossoms could be seen, but it was still months off before color would come visit this dreary place.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Crisp air filled his lung, soothing the burn in his chest. Slowly, almost regretfully, he let it all out with a sigh. Weariness seeped into his bones. Tiredly, he opened his eyes and felt his gaze drawn to base of the plum tree. Sitting in the shade of the tree was a delicately painted flower pot, alone and unattended. He swallowed at the sight of it, the bitterness of his feeling sliding down his throat like bile.

Slightly trembling, his hands brushed against its side tenderly like it was a fragile thing, like it would disappear at his touch. He received the gift with utter contempt, but despite his hateful words, he took precious, precious care of it. He pruned, he watered, but no matter what he did, the sunflower never bloomed.

_**1908**  
"What are you doing aru?" China shouted at the suspicious- and to his dismay- familiar figure roaming in his private garden._

_At the sound of his voice, Russia turned towards him, a wide, silly grin on his face. "Look!" He held up a potted plant. "Ta-dah~ I'm giving you my favorite thing, a sunflower. Isn't it pretty? It's like a mini sun you can hold in your hand."_

_China ignored the present. "Who allowed you in here?" he demanded, stalking ferociously towards the larger man._

_Russia waved off the question like it was no concern. He crouched low to the ground and began eyeing it critically. "Now where should I plant this?"_

_Squatting right beside the irritating nation, China snatched the sunflower away. "Don't plant it aru! You'll ruin the feng shui!"_

_China glared into bewildered violet eyes. His mouth opened to admonish the Russian even further, but before a word left his lips, Russia unexpectedly blurted out, "I like you, China."_

_His eyebrows rose to his hairline. "Excuse me aru?"_

_Russia looked away, a telltale blush on his cheeks. "I like you. Really like you," he murmured to his knees._

_Embarrassed for the other nation, heat crept up China's neck collar. He cleared his throat to disperse a little bit of his own awkwardness. "Um...this is the first time I heard of it aru."_

_Russia lifted his head, a smirk already forming on his lips. "Is that a yes then?"_

_Shocked momentarily speechless by his audacity, China stared. A headache was coming on, he could feel the beginning of a dull throb in his skull. Closing his eyes, he lifted a hand to massage his forehead. He sighed exasperatedly, "Of course it doesn't mean ye-"_

_Russia did not miss his chance. He took advantage of China's close proximity and stole a kiss. His did not linger, did not go beyond what was improper. It was a mere brushing of lips, a "hello", a taste of gentle adoration._

_"Not the answer I wanted to hear." Russia smiled, unable to contain his happiness._

_Anger like nothing he ever felt boiled in the pit of his stomach. China raised his fist to pummel the other man, but Russia danced himself a safe distance away from China's fury. He took it as his cue to leave while he still could in one piece._

_"Take care of the plant, Yao," Russia called out behind him, "Think of it as me, ok?"_

_"If this is you," China replied with a bite to his voice, "I'm going to burn it!"_

_The potted plant was tightly held against his chest as Russia's laughter echoed in the garden._

**1991**  
There no more laughter, no sunflower. The Soviet was gone. Ivan was dead. As the ice around his shattered heart began to crack, more memories swam to the surface. China turned away from the garden. He needed to be alone to compose himself.

Loneliness, he thought to himself, was his only faithful companion.

_**1945**  
Snow hailed from the sky like God's wrath upon mankind. They found safety in a frigid cave just before pure white engulfed the land around them. The thickness of their coat proved useless against the Arctic wind; its fangs bit into their skin like ravenous dogs. Afraid to light a fire lest their enemies find them, they huddled close together for warmth._

_The storm continued to roar its fury at the world, at the bloodshed and countless lives lost. China watched on in silence, wondering why he felt so at peace when the world outside was being buried alive._

_Russia interrupted his bleak musing. "Yao, do you like me?"_

_China spared him a glance, but quickly returned his gaze back to the raging snow. He hugged his knees closer to his chest and thought, _This was no time or place to ask such a frivolous question.

_A voice whispered back_, Will there be a next time?

_The weight of his duty, the burden of his people suddenly wore him down. He closed his eyes and laid his head on his mud crusted pants. "I don't know aru."_

_"You don't know or are you afraid to know?" A hand just as cold as the biting wind brushed across his cheek, but it was with such tenderness, China found himself comforted by the gentle touch._

_"Why do you even like me aru?" China dodged Russia's question with a question of his own, "I never understood. All I ever done to you was chase you away. All I ever was, was rude and cruel to you aru." He drew in a ragged breath and hugged his knees tighter. "What is there to like?"_

_For a moment, Russia said nothing as he watched China closely. He had never seen the older nation look more weak or frail than this moment. It was as if China would shatter at a single touch. To have lived so long, to have survived so much and to only break when they're so close to victory made Russia clench his fist at the injustice of it all._

_"I like you just because. There's no reason."_

_China's bitter laugh echoed in the small cave. "Of course there's no reason aru."_

_"No, listen to me," Russia grabbed his small shoulders and shook him, willing him to understand. "The first time I met you, I was only a child with wide eyes. I was wandering the old border when I saw you and your family from a distance. I don't know why, but I stood there watching you all interact. You kept screaming and yelling at them to behave and none of them listened to you. You chase them and they would run away. Another would pull at your hair or tear your sleeves. Watching you almost cry from frustration made me smile. I thought to myself, 'Here is a family that's more dysfunctional than my own.'"_

_Russia loosened his grip on China' s shoulders. He sat back down, slumping back against the cave wall. "To say I fell in love with you at first sight would be a lie. I kept going back to where I first saw you to see if I could catch a glimpse of a family worse than my own." His hand found a pile of pebbles by his feet and began idly throwing them out into the snow. "But the more I watched you all, the more I understood. No matter how much you all seemed to hate each other, you depend on each other, defend one another. Hate was just another form of love. Every time you yelled at your siblings, it was out of concern. No matter how bad things got, you still didn't abandon them. I wanted everything you gave them. The pat on the head for doing a good job. The loving smile. The hug that said everything was all right." The grim smile he gave China made the Chinese man ache for the small boy he never saw watching them. "When I realized this, I found myself hating you. You had what I wanted. I was dying from jealousy. Why couldn't someone love me like they do you?"_

_At the thought of his faraway siblings loving him, China's mind drifted to Korea. "You do aru. You have Belarus don't you?"_

_Russia looked down at him from his nose. "Ha ha, very funny. The great China knows a joke."_

_"It happens on occasion aru." For the first time in decades, China found himself smiling. The last few years have been hard on all of them. It was no time for jokes or happiness. China waved his hands for Russia to continue._

_"One day, I saw Yong Soo pounce on you and grab your chest like he always does. I was giggling nonstop because I made me happy to realize that I wasn't the only one with crazy siblings, but...suddenly it just wasn't funny anymore. I wanted to murder him." Russia closed his eyes and when he opened them, the heat of his gaze made China shiver. "I wanted you. I was wrong. I didn't hate you for what you had. I hated you for giving it away to someone else other than me."_

_A strong breeze blew into the cave. China huddled closer to the Russian. He hoped Russia only thought he was cold and not because, after refusing for decades, he suddenly had the urge to touch him._

* * *

Late in the night with the past making it impossible to sleep, China sat at his desk, a sole candle burning brightly in his room. Slowly, he dipped his brush into the dark ink and penned his thoughts and memories onto paper.

_**1660**  
Another barbarian from the West came into their palace. It was nothing to be excited about, but as he passed by, one of them caught his eye and smiled at him. It was a boy that was no longer a boy, but was not yet a man. China quickly turned away, noting how hauntingly beautiful his violet eyes were. _

我要控制我自己 (I need to control myself)  
不会让谁看见我哭泣 (I will not let others see me cry)  
装作漠不关心你(Pretending to not care about you)  
不愿想起你 (Wish I was not thinking of you)  
怪自己没有勇气 (I blame myself for not having courage)

_**1921**  
"If all you need is help, all you need to do is ask."_

_"But your service does not come without a price aru."_

_Leather brushed against his skin as a gloved hand traced the delicate line of his jaw. Like a caress, a voice sweet as honey soothingly whispered to him, "It's nothing you can't afford."_

心痛得无法呼吸 (My heart aches until I cannot breathe)  
找不到你留下的痕迹 (I can no longer find the traces you left behind)  
眼睁睁的看着你 (I look at you)  
却无能为力(and I am helpless)  
任你消失在世界的尽头 (Letting you disappear from the end of this world)

_**1951**  
Soft lips pulled away from his and he found himself gazing into Russia's eyes._

_"Do you love me, Yao?"_

_Words piled higher and higher until it wanted to spill from his mouth, but he swallowed it all back down, afraid of his own answer._

找不到坚强的理由 (I could not find the reason to be strong)  
再也感觉不到你的温柔 (I no longer feel your tender warmth)  
告诉我星空在哪头 (Tell me about the stars in the universe)  
那里是否有尽头 (Where does it all end?)

_**1960**  
"Goodbye." Russia waited for China to say something, but he didn't._

_Long after he was gone, China continued to stand where they parted, whispering the words, "goodbye, Ivan", to nothing but shadows._

就向流星许个心愿 (I'll make a wish to the shooting star)  
让你知道我爱你 (To let you to know I love you)

As China waited patiently for the ink to dry, he scanned each word of his letter over and over until he committed it to memory. In silence, he folded the paper into thirds before slipping it into an envelope addressed to no one.

For a long, long time, he held the letter in his hands, tracing the edges of it fondly. Then, with a sorrowful smile, he lifted the letter to the candle and let it catch fire.

He watched the paper and his memories burn*, turning into nothing but ash. A breeze swept by and not even the ash remained as it floated away into the night sky.

**To be continued...?**

* * *

Was going to submit this into the RoChu-Squad Contest...but of course I went over the word count limit. Oh well. If you can, try to submit a entry of your own! We always look forward to new submissions ^^.

*There are two meanings in burning the letter. One of them can be Yao burning his love away or letting it die. The second meaning can be Yao sending Ivan his true feelings. In Chinese culture, the burning of paper is how the deceased receive letters, money, houses, etc.

I suppose this is a song-fic? My first! The song is called "星语心愿" (Wish from the Heart) by Celilia Cheung from the movie soundtrack "Fly Me to Polaris". I used four sources to translate the song so translations are off, but I tried to keep the meaning.

The burning of Yao's love letter was inspired by Setomi on deviantArt

I plan to rewrite "Memories" . Q_x Although I like the concept, I don't like the execution of it.** Sooo...I guess expect a loose continuation of this fic?**It'll be a little bit like "Cup of Wine" but with a happy ending! (kinda)

I have not written a historical fic in a looooong time. I forgot how much work it was...In the end, I bet I messed up the time period somewhere. ** This fic was NOT supposed to be historical so please don't read it like one**, but after 4 days of editing the opening scene, I realized how shallow it was. It did not have the "oomph" I was looking for because 1) I purposely did not have Yao mention the words "love" or "like" until the letter so people might question how and why Yao would love Ivan enough to write a mushy letter lol 2) it lacked impact.

Even though it took a bit of juggling around, I thought adding bits and pieces of Ivan and Yao's interaction would help readers track the progress of Yao's affections. I also thought it would have a bigger impact when Yao burned the letter in the end.

1654: First official contact between Russia and China  
1908: Random year I chose  
1921: Soviet began to support the KMT  
1925: The United Front is trained and supported by the Soviet  
1931: Random year I chose. (The creation of Manchukuo)  
1945: The Soviet Union launched the Soviet invasion of Manchuria, a massive military operation mobilizing 1.5 million soldiers against one million Kwantung Army troops, the last remaining Japanese military presence. Soviet forces won a decisive victory while the Kwantung suffered massive casualties, with 700,000 having surrendered. The Soviet Union distributed some of the weapons of the captured Kwantung Army to the CPC, who would go on to battle the KMT in the Chinese Civil War  
1951: Random year I chose.  
1960: Sino-Soviet Split (give or take a few years)  
December 8, 1991: The leaders of Russia, Belarus and Ukraine signed the Belavezha Accords, dissolving the Soviet Union

(Dates that are not included in the fic, but will be in the loose sequel /rewrite of Memories)  
December 25, 1991: The Soviet Union officially ended on 25 December 1991  
December 26, 1991: The Russian Federation (formerly the Russian Soviet Federative Socialist Republic) took power on 26 December


	2. Memories Part One

**December 21, 1991:**Eleven of the twelve members of the Commonwealth of Independent States signed a declaration on December 21, 1991 agreeing that "Member states of the Commonwealth support Russia in taking over the USSR membership in the UN, including permanent membership in the Security Council."

**December 25, 1991:**The Soviet Union officially ended.

**December 26, 1991:**The Russian Federation (formerly the Russian Soviet Federative Socialist Republic) took power.

* * *

_Drifting in an endless sea of darkness, time lost all meaning. For minutes or perhaps even years, he wandered this place aimlessly. Nothing existed here. Not light, not sound. Fear consumed him at first, but the loneliness of being alone quickly bore the child of insanity._

_However, the longer he stayed here, the more his humanity was lost to the darkness. Even the broken pieces of his mind were stolen from him until eventually he felt nothing at all; not even the emptiness that became him._

_Who he was, how he got here, no longer mattered. He continued walking because...because what? He was looking for something, something important, but he couldn't remember. As he looked farther into the darkness, even that train of thought disappeared._

_Black shadowed swirls dragged at his feet like chains. He took a heavy step forward when-_

Ivan! Ivan! Is he ok? Doctor, is he breathing?!

_The sound of someone's voice reverberated deep into his bones and jarred him to wakefulness. He turned, excitement- an emotion he forgot existed- raced through his body._

Brother! Wake up, Brother!

_Someone was calling for him. He ran towards the fretful voices. As the voices got closer and louder, the landscape that was filled with blinding darkness lightened until all he could see was pure white._

* * *

_**December 30, 1991**_

_Blearily, he opened his eyes and saw two females faces hovering over him. Both were very beautiful, but in very different ways. One exuded a kind, motherly air that made him feel almost at ease immediately. Even though tears streamed down her face, he felt like no harm would come to him as long as she was by his side._

_The younger one had a more youthful beauty that could cut. Her stern, frowning mouth coupled with her stoned face ought to make him nervous, but he wasn't. Behind her strong exterior, he could see the concern and desperate worry swimming in her eyes. It made him want to comfort her, tell her everything was alright._

_"Thank God," the one crying sobbed between her hands, "Thank God you're awake. I wouldn't know what we'd do if you'd stayed in a coma. We were so worried." The woman took hold of his hand and held it between hers tightly. She bit her lips as tears fell from her eyes. "We didn't know. I-if we had known you would disappear in that tower of light...Oh God, Vanya, you were missing for almost a month! What were you doing, making us worry like that?"_

_As concern changed into relief, words began to spill from her mouth in waves. "Was this some sort of sick revenge on us for leaving the Union? If it was, it was stupid! Do you know how much chaos you caused? Talya had to rush back here from America to help search for you. And where did you find you? Shivering and naked at the town square." Remembering the sickening feeling of seeing her brother disappear right in front of eye; the sleepless nights and gut wrenching days of not knowing if he was alive or not, made her tighten her grip on his hand. "Never. Never do that again, you hear me?"_

_A sob caught at her throat. She lifted his hand to her forehead as if in prayer. "Vanya...My stupid, little brother, don't ever make us worry like that again. I beg of you. Please..."_

_He stared at one face to another, confused. Slowly, he extracted his hand from the crying woman. "W-who..." He licked his dried lips and tried again. "Who are you? Who is Vanya?"_

_Shocked, the older woman look at him. "Ivan, we're your sisters. I'm Ukraine also known as Sofiya. This," she motioned to the other woman, "is Belarus, whom we call Natalya. Don't...don't you remember us?"_

_Not recognizing their names or their relations to him, he shook his head. Ukraine made to get up from her seat, but Belarus' hand on her shoulder stopped her. She looked up at her little sister. Their blues eyes met in silence..._

_And the truth finally dawned on her._

* * *

The woman known as Ukraine stayed as long as she could, but after 3 months of tending to him, her boss finally summoned her back. He liked her as he knew he would the moment her saw her. She was as kind and caring as she looked. She educated him on what it was like to be a nation. The only thing he wouldn't miss about her was the nightly tears she cried when she thought he was asleep. It made him feel guilty for taking the place of her brother.

The other one, Belarus, stayed despite her boss' demand for her to return to America. He thought she didn't like him so he didn't understand her reason for her defiance to remain here. Admittedly, he actually wanted her to go. Not nearly as approachable as Ukraine, she scared him a little bit. However, as she brought his meals and read by his bedside, he found himself enjoying her silent companionship. He was beginning to think it wasn't such a bad thing to have such a pretty little sister.

Ivan Braginsky.

It wasn't his name, but he liked the sound of it. The more he thought about it, the more he didn't mind being called that...

**TBC**

* * *

A/N:

Note: Italic words represent "dreams" or "the past". You're going to see a lot of that throughout this fic.

**Names:**  
1) Sofiya was chosen for Ukraine because it was one of her suggested names by Himaruya. The Russian pet name is Sonya.  
2) Talya is a pet name of Natalya  
3) And of course, Vanya is a pet name of Ivan.

*Reference to when Belarus was living with America after the dissolution of the Soviet Union in Hetalia V.2

While I only see Yao with the other Asian-tans as family, for some reason I don't mind Ivan hooking up with his sisters _. Perhaps this is because Ukraine and Belarus are not only not afraid of Ivan, but love him too.

I sincerely think that Ivan's family (Hetalia wise of course) is quite nice. When it comes down to it, all three of them strongly care for each other.


	3. Memories Part Two

**-1 month later: January 1992-**

_He ran and ran, chasing after the elusive dream. For as a long a he could remember, he hungered and craved for just one thing. The ache, the need was so ingrained in him as a child, it grew into an all consuming obsession when he became a man. _

_But his goal, his sole desire looked everywhere except right beside him. No matter how far his hands stretched, they never reached. Further and further the small, proud back got until it was a mere speck in the wide open plain. _

_Never did his love turn his way. _

_Just once, just for a mere second in time, he yearned to have the deep, fathomless eyes look at him. Look at him and acknowledge his existence. In this desperate situation he was in, this simple wish was all he could ask for. _

_Tears welled in his eyes when centuries later- after countless lifetimes- soft, lush lips pressed against his in a sweet, sweet kiss riddled with unsaid words. His heart burned, hurting from the wealth of emotions churning inside him. Never did he dream or even dare hope for this kiss. The mixture of intense pleasure and happiness was turbulent as it was relieving. He wanted to scream, to yell out his elation, but to break away from lips that was sweeter than honey was unthinkable. How precious and rare this was. He would commit everything to memory and for as long as he lived, he would remember and relive this moment. _

_Again and again, he asked the question, "Do you love me?" and received no answer. The silence was painful in the beginning, but as time went on, he learned he didn't need words. The kiss, the little gestures adding together was all the proof he needed. Words of love weren't spoken, but he knew the answer to his question. _

_After all, words were only pretty little things. They were sometimes poisonous and deceitful. But love..? Love never lies. Whether their feelings were lies or truths, their happiness was so real, it ached. _

_"Ivan..._"

Russia woke up with a start, his body ridged and completely drenched with sweat. Slowly, he exhaled a breath he didn't know he was holding and unclenched his fists. Sighing at having another disrupted sleep, he sat upright to stare out the window. Hours passed. The waning moon drifted lazily across the sky until rose-pink colors began to peak out of the horizon. Still, Russia continued to rub at the uncomfortable knot in his chest. Every night, his heart throbbed from the dreams he was plagued with.

They started coming a week after his boss found him. When it first happened, he woke up with only a vague feeling. Like being under water, he knew he was forgetting something, but couldn't grasp the specifics. Now, the dreams were getting more vivid and detailed. He was beginning to wake up remember things. This time, someone even called out his name. Someone with voice he _knew_ was dear to him, but he knew just as equally he had never heard it before in his life.

More and more, emotions from his dreams were bleeding into his awakened state. Was he going crazy? The lack of sleep combined with his dreams was making him lose track of reality. It was making him feel as if he was missing something and only his dreams held the answers.

What was he dreaming about? And why? Why could he never remember the face or name of the person that haunts him every night?

Russia clutched his chest, thinking about the person that called out his name, but the memory of the voice was fading fast. Sorrowfully, he smiled as he forgot the sound of that voice and the ache in his heart grew from the lost. It was as if that pain represented his longing for the person that only existed in his sleep.

He looked out the window at the morning sun and couldn't help, but wonder if the man who was Russia before him ever experienced something similar.

**TBC**

* * *

This chapter is a rewrite of an already existing fanfic of mine called "Memories". You can find that here on FFnet. I say this is a rewrite of "Memories", but only the premise is the same. Overall, it's a completely different story. For one, the current "Memories" will be from Ivan's POV, not Yao's. This way, you can enjoy both versions and see things from Ivan and Yao's perspective.

Originally I planned to write this as one big, gigantic chapter...but I think it's better for my mental health to split it into parts. A reason for splitting it, is because "Wish from the Heart: Memories" spans a few months if not years. While I don't plan to make it a historical fic, I do plan to somewhat portray the Sino-Russian relationship between the years of 1992-2001. I haven't decide _when_ Ivan and Yao get together lol. Perhaps after I tire of emotionally torturing them ^^

I had to listen to "I can't make you love me" by Bonnie Raitt to get me into the mood. I think you can already tell where I plan to take this fic by my song choice lol...

If you guys have anymore sad unrequited love songs, please tell me! I need more on my playlist. I tried "Could You Ever Love Me That Way" by Nikki Flores, but the beat was too fast.


	4. Memories Part Three

_Someone touched him on the forehead, brushing away his hair away from his eyes._

_"What are you looking at aru?"_

_He smiled, hugging someone he knew was dear to him in a tight embrace. "You. Just you."_

_His small companion huffed out in exasperation but instead of breaking free, snuggled deeper into his arms._

_He could feel infinite joy and contentment fill his body. In the past, he was not even allowed to touch a strand hair, but now..._

_Bliss. It was pure, simple bliss to be able to hold, to cherish his love without rebuke. He tilted that stubborn chin up with his hand. Eyes looked up and burned into his soul. They no longer held disgust or anger, but from unsaid emotions that flickered behind those unfathomable eyes._

_Understanding, he simply smiled and offered his lover a way out. He leaned down, his lips brushing against a delicate mouth. Like always, there was a hesitation, an uncertainty; he could feel the small body tremble beneath his fingers, but like the ocean beating against the cliff side, with a little persuasion from him, the slight resistance melted away into nothing._

_Long, dark lashes tickled his cheeks as he molded the delectable lips to fit his. He couldn't help but smile when a sigh of contentment escaped his wayward partner and reached his ears._

_"Ah," he thought, holding the slender body even closer, "So this is what heaven on earth feels like..."_

**December 21, 1992***

Natural sunlight streamed into the room, lending an air of cheer to Russia's jovial mood. The morning was chilly, but the crackling fire in the fireplace staved off the cold, wintery bite. Russia whistled happily to himself as he stood in front of his full length mirror. Smartly dressed from his brand named slacks down to the gold cuff links that decorated his shirt, he was made to impress. His boss (he still felt weird calling the President that), told him it was imperative that the negotiations goes through. They had to show the world that Russia was still a power to be reckoned with. Simply because he was no longer Ivan the Soviet, does not mean his influence has diminished. He was still a superpower and he always will be. Russia planned to do just that with this meeting. Just as soon as he could knot the damn tie around his neck.

Someone knocked on the door. "Come in!" he yelled, his hands clumsily looping one end of the tie over the other and making a mess of it.

"You're _still _not dressed? The plane leaves in an hour."

At the bland, monotone voice that could somehow still drip venom, he already knew who it was. Rather, it became a habit for Belarus to come fetch him every morning. He turned to her, smiling sheepishly. "I'm having trouble with my tie. I can't seem to knot it."

"And?" Belarus stared at him, her face emotionless as ever. It made him feel small and insignificant even though he towered over her by a couple of inches.

In the year since he woke up as a nation, Belarus was ever constant support and fountain of information. He _knew _he was Russia, but what being a nation personified entailed- the responsibilities, the sacrifices- Belarus was with him every step of the way as he learned. Her silent, strict demeanor sometimes terrified him, but overall, rather than being afraid of her, he was instead surprised by her gentle patience. She never ridiculed him for his endless questions or screamed at him for getting facts wrong. She simply waited with somber eyes until he arrived at the answers he needed. Always helpful. Never angry. She just waited. Looked into his eyes and waited before looking away again with disappointment.

Rarely, they spoke about her brother. It hung in the air between them like the stench of a rotting corpse. The secret grew heavier and heavier, but whenever he asked, she'd cut him down with a glaring look. No one was to speak to him about the previous Ivan Braginsky. He was to learn and memorize the glorious history of Soviet Russia, but he heard not a word about the man that carried that title. It was taboo.

At his silence, Belarus strode up to him. She yanked on his tie-brutally pulling him down- before silently fixing the knot for him.

"S-sorry," Russia stammered, her close proximity snapping at his skin like electricity, "I should thank you for a-always taking care of me. You've been so kind to me all this time, and I haven't thank y-"

Belarus scowled and tightened the tie until it was a bit hard for him to breathe. "If you want to thank me, then maybe you should do that with your body."

His eyes widened. "W-what?"

A shiver went down her spine as Russia stared at her with terrified eyes. How familiar that face was. She loved it. "Marry me," she said more threatening than she meant.

Russia, _this _Russia did not try to run away from her. He simply looked at her with confusion mixed with concern. "B-but...nation's can't get married."

She pursed her lips. Russia felt as if he failed some kind of test as she turned her face away from him. "I'm s-"

"Don't you dare apologize," Belarus bit out.

Russia shut his mouth.

Without sparring him a glance, the female nation marched towards the door. "Hurry it up," she told him, "The plane leaves for China in less than an hour and you need to be settled in for the meeting on the twenty-third. Get your bags and get going!"

At her retreating back, Russia could not help but call after her. Her words were rough, but he was not fooled by the trembling of her shoulders. "Natalya."

At her name, she paused. She did not turn to look at him nor did she say anything. She simply waited.

"I..," he cleared his throat, "I know I can't replace him but...I'll be honored if you called me your brother."

For a long minute that seemed to stretch for an hour, Belarus did not respond. Then, she stiffly nodded her head. "I'll think about it."

"That's all I'm asking for," Russia whispered the words as the door clicked shut. He sighed. He could not replace her brother, but slowly, they could rebuild what was once lost. It may never be the same, but at least it wouldn't be gone forever. He could only hope it would be enough.

**TBC**

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A/n:

Reminder: Italicized words in the beginning indicate dreams

Please be aware of the years. There are huge time skip/jumps. Between Part 2 and Part 3, close to a year has passed. Just pointing it out in case no one noticed.

Aaaand, Ivan woke up in a cheerful mood because of the dream. Just pointing it out because I didn't explicitly say it in the fic.

***On December 23, 1992**, Russian President Boris Yeltsin made his first official visit to China. During the visit, Boris Yeltsin and Chinese President Yang Shangkun signed a Joint Statement on the Foundation of Mutual Relations, in which the two countries pledge to establish good-neighbourly, friendly and mutually beneficial relations; Chinese and Russian officials also sign 24 joint statements, documents and memoranda of understanding on cooperation on a range of issues, including border demarcation and reductions in armed forces


End file.
